The Truth About Self-Awareness

What Is Self-Awareness?

Self-awareness by definition is conscious awareness of our underlying motives, desires, character, and fears. But from a practical and balanced standpoint, it’s more than that. Self-awareness is bringing the parts of us that have been cast in shadow—often out of a need for safety, love, or belonging—into the light. It’s re-establishing a relationship with our emotions and bodies that have often been exiled in favor of our busy, past-and-future-fixated minds. Self-awareness is the courage to be honest about who we REALLY are when there are no expectations to meet or social obligations to uphold.

For me and my clients, it’s not just the parts of ourselves that are driving the bus into a wall—but also the parts of ourselves that, if allowed to emerge, would bring more depth and joy to our lives. It’s both. Not just shadow. Not just light. But both.

What Isn’t Self-Awareness?

Self-awareness is not a battlefield where we vanquish the enemy of our ego. So often I hear people say, “I need to kill my ego” or “my ego needs to die.” But isn’t that kind of inner violence how we got here? Many of the parts of ourselves that are making our lives difficult came to be out of protection, fear, or a longing to fit in. They don’t need to be vanquished—they need to be acknowledged. These behaviors and beliefs that seem like barriers often came from very honest attempts to survive. And it’s only when we bring those parts into the light that they can begin to heal and find closure.

Why Does Self-Awareness Matter?

We all have a moment—sometimes many—when our lack of self-awareness catches up with us. Maybe it wrecks a relationship. Maybe it blows up at work. Maybe it unravels an identity we’ve carefully curated .When these moments come, we have a choice:

• We can blame others.

• Or we can courageously dig in and ask: What was going on inside me?

  
  

That’s where self-awareness starts to change us. Because what stays in shadow tends to rot. What we cannot name, we cannot work with. But what we can bring into the light—even if we don’t “fix” it right away—starts to soften. It gains shape, a name, a voice. And in that act of naming, healing begins.

How Do We Begin the Journey?

Step One: Develop Self-Compassion

When I work with clients, this is often the step that gets the most pushback. They want to fix problems, heal relationships, and slay dragons. But self-compassion? Nope. And yet, this is the first and most essential step. Many of us have banished parts of ourselves because they were too scary, painful, or unsupported. We couldn’t afford to feel them. So if we’re going to open that door now, we need a strong internal support system. Otherwise, the weight of that honesty might crush us.

This work is a marathon, not a sprint, and it requires time, patience, training, and support. No one who goes far goes alone; our job before we embark is to find and develop support.

Self-compassion might look like:

• KIST or kind internal self-talk

• Routines that support rest and relaxation

• A dedicated support system (friend, therapist, coach) that can help you process the difficult things that come up.

Step Two: Make a Plan That Suits Your Real Life

There’s no one path. No single “best” method. The best thing you can do is start. Perfection loves to delay us by convincing us that we need more time and preparation before we start the journey. In reality, action gives us clarity and we learn more from making mistakes than trying to prevent mistakes through obsessive planning. Start small and start messy, but just start.

I suggest two simultaneous paths:

1. A discovery of the parts of you that are holding you back

2. A rediscovery of the parts of you that once brought you joy, play, and creativity

   
   

You are not just the person who explodes in conflict or procrastinates on work deadlines. You are also the person who loves (or loved) to debate, draw, ride horses, or play an instrument. Frequently, we banish parts of ourselves that are not necessary for the function of everyday life, but in doing so we lose a lot of the joy, play, and depth that will help us weather life's storms. We weren’t made to live only in this gray-colored functioning. Self-awareness helps us remember we can live in full color and we have the strength to do so.

Where Can You Start?

Here are a few focused areas of self-discovery:

✦ Identity Work

Explore the identities you tie your self-worth to right now (good parent, competent employee, spouse, best friend).Which ones dominate? Which ones are so rigid that any challenge to them feels threatening?

✦ Motivation Work

What’s driving your actions—in work, relationships, rest, or play?(Pro tip: it's usually a fear of some sort)

✦ Trigger Work

When did you feel triggered recently? What message or meaning did you hear that caused that reaction?

✦ Desires Work

What do you want from life—deep down?

✦ Values Work

What values do you want to live by—and are you living by them?

✦ Joys/Creativity Work

What brings you joy—now or in your past? What did you love as a child?

Tools and Methods to Support the Journey

• Personality frameworks (like the Enneagram or MBTI)

• Reflective journaling

• Self-observation

• Therapy or coaching

• Joy or creativity inventories

• Values inventories

Final Thoughts

Becoming self-aware isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being willing to be honest with ourselves about who we really are and brave enough to change what is not working for us.

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If you are interested in learning more about self-awareness or have questions, please email me at enneagramreflections@gmail.com.