As an Enneagram coach, I, without question, value the study and discovery of an individual's personality Type. I love helping people discover why they do the things they do and watching them gain access to knowledge that may have previously been unavailable or elusive without this experience. Experiencing another person's journey to finding themselves is a privilege and something that I take very seriously.
This is what I love about the Enneagram. What I find troublesome, and somewhat distracting, is a major pitfall that can entrap anyone unaware of its seductive pull--I call it the Enneagram Trap. The Enneagram Trap is an obsessive, excessive search for the "True Self" without the purpose of applying this information in a meaningful way. It takes self-discovery to the point of absurdity, using it as a means of explaining (or even justifying) a person's behavior and bypassing its intended purpose--to reveal our inner workings we can choose healthier responses. The Enneagram Trap is also taking deeply personal (almost sacred) information and using it as a sword to cut others through stereotyping and dismissing an individual's experience, self-mastery, and innate nuance.
Is there a place for learning more about yourself--sure is! Is there a place for finding out more about the people in your life--yep! But remember, this information is deeply personal, exposing, and intentional.
How Can We Avoid This Trap?
The first way we can avoid this trap is to be aware of what the Enneagram is and what it is not. The Enneagram is not a direct method for personal growth. Instead, it is a tool for self-discovery that can be applied to self-observation and lead to the development of healthier responses. I point this out, because sometimes individuals will get trapped into the lie that learning more and more about themselves will help them grow--unfortunately, it won't. It will only make them more aware of their shadow side, but it won't lead to growth without being used properly.
Next, we need to follow some kind of growth path that works for us and our Type. Each Type will have a method that works best for them, but the general outline of using this information will be as follows:
Self-Observation: Take the insights you've gained through the Enneagram and observe yourself in action, especially when engaging in behaviors that may be destructive to yourself or others. When it comes to self-observation, there are more ways to go about this than not, but some suggestions are:
Journaling daily
Setting prompts for yourself to remind you to breathe, take in your surroundings, and notice how you feel
Dissecting upsetting or painful interactions after the fact--what were you interpreting from the situation? Is it true?
Pausing before you agree to something and determining if you really want to do it and what you believe will happen if you don't?
Managing Your Triggers: This is challenging because it often feels like if others were just a little better, we'd be on our best behavior. In reality, it's the opposite. The primary role of the people in your life is simply to be themselves. Do they trigger you? Yes. Is that their fault? No. You need to manage your own triggers and set your own boundaries that help you stay in a healthy frame of mind. Managing your triggers may look like:
Journaling when you are triggered and looking for WHY you feel triggered. Getting to the why underneath (which usually comes in the form of our deepest fear) helps us: (1) take back our power and (2) dissolve the story we are telling ourselves about the trigger, so we can see a way forward better (using The Work by Byron Katie in these scenarios can be illuminating and freeing).
Setting boundaries around situations that frequently trigger you, so that you can have space before/after/around the triggering situation to deal with your own emotions. Maybe you can eliminate the triggering situation altogether by setting one amazing boundary with a person, but I find that even if you eliminate a person that triggers you completely, you will find someone else triggers you in a similar way, so find a way to deal with the trigger.
Loving the little part of you that is triggered. Spend some time with your inner parts that are struggling with this trigger and just send it love. Let it feel what it feels and be there for it. (For information on parts work, read the work of Richard Schwartz or Martha Beck).
Choosing Response Over Reaction. So you see yourself in action, you see your triggers, and as a next step for growth is to actively work on moving from reaction to response. How does this work? Well, imagine that you feel yourself becoming triggered, your temper is rising, you're about to do the thing that is so destructive to yourself and/or the other and just before you react you:
Take a big deep breath, blow it out and ask for what you need in the moment in a firm, but kind way.
You set the boundary, ask for help, give grace.
You get vulnerable and say you're hurt.
You speak truth into the room without sweeping it under the rug.
Slow down, take a minute to calm your nervous system, comfort yourself, and THINK.
You act with integrity with yourself.
Learning how to interact with others. Without even knowing the Types of those around you (which should be something THEY tell YOU, right?), you can improve your interaction style by being aware of how YOU show up. This improves your emotional intelligence, which is rapidly becoming the ceiling for growth in the working world (not to mention the connection world).
Questions about your next step toward personal growth? Email me at enneagramreflections@gmail.com
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